I’m still Pressing On

So I was listening to a Reliant K song I used to love back in the day and it definitely hit me right in the feels. It’s called “Pressing On” and is just about continuing to move forward, even when you’ve been through some terrible hardships. This week has been a bit of an extra tough one too. It’s like it comes in waves. Breakups hurt. And people start to find out the truth after its all over and that’s what is starting to happen to me now. I never thought I would be hurt as badly as I was by someone who claimed to love me and take care of me. 

The hardest lesson to learn for me has been that you can’t rely on anyone to help you but yourself. As much as I wanted to believe that this person had my back 100% of the way, it was the wrong way to think. And in the end was one of my biggest downfalls. I have a loving heart, which means I have the disadvantage of trusting everyone until they give me a reason not to anymore. However a relationship without trust is doomed from the beginning. Yet he was the one who wasn’t trusting. Maybe it was because he knew what HE was capable of, so he couldn’t accept that there was someone who would have given him the moon if she could. 

What matters more than anything else though is that IM STILL HERE.  I am moving forward every single day, and the pain is beginning to dull. I also get to experience what it’s like to love myself more than anyone else now. It’s something we all lose sight of, but it’s so important!!! I make myself say why I have value, and I never let myself think otherwise. So while something was meant to ruin me. At one point I was told to run away back home, but here I am. Here I stand, and I’m PRESSING ON. 

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5 thoughts on “I’m still Pressing On”

  1. My longest relationship ended in August and it has been a rough time since, things are so much better now and I’m discovering who I am again. I didn’t realize how much I had changed and suppressed who I was after being with someone for so long. It can be easy to lose ourselves in someone else. You sound similar, we both have big hearts, but we need to receive as much love as we give. Loving yourself is definitely key, I lost myself and wasn’t happy with myself. I’m finding her again and really learning to listen to my instincts. Stay strong girl! You will survive and be so much stronger for it!

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    1. @Gothcupcake I would like to think, that the “Right” person for us, is the person who does not cause us or want us to change….who inspires us and helps us to be better, not because they actively try to, but because them just being who they are, and loving us as much as we love them, naturally causes us to want to become the best possible version of ourselves. And we have that same effect on them. That is what I have always chosen to believe, anyway.

      I know all too well exactly what it feels like, to feel like you are not loved as much as you love, that you are not receiving what you give out, freely, because it is just who you are. And I have long been afraid, to be honest, that perhaps no one will ever love me JUST as much as I am capable of loving them, or caring for them. But….what I WANT to believe, is that that isn’t true. That there is someone who would do and be just that for me…..and I just haven’t found Her yet. It sure has taken a hell of a long time, a fact I am none to happy about. But still….I still choose to believe that perhaps it is so.

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  2. I am sorry, Kimberly, to hear that you had to go through such a painful thing. I’m afraid that life is full of pain and suffering and many sorrows and disappointments. I had to learn that lesson the hard way too. Over and over and over again. My life has not been easy. In fact, compared to many, it has been very hard, dating all the way back to early childhood. But I survive, I persist.

    I find myself reflexively bristling inside when I read you say that you can only really rely on or count on yourself. Even though I agree with you. But I hate that I agree with you. I hate it, because I hate that my life has taught me that I can’t truly trust anyone, or rely on anyone but myself. As far as I know, the internet tells me you are in your mid-20s. So I guess that would make me the better part of a decade older than you, as I am now in my mid-30s. Life has certainly not gone where I wanted it too when I was my late teens, dreaming of tomorrow. And I have absolutely known more than my share of hardship, and heartbreak, and loneliness, etc. There are times, I’ll be honest, when I feel like that is all that I know, the brunt of what life has shared with me. I do know know if that is unequivocally true. But it certainly feels that way sometimes.

    However, I bristle inside….I hate that I agree with you, that you can only rely on yourself…because for me personally, I do not WANT that to be how things are. I do not want this to be my life forever….my entire life. I do not want to think that I will always be this Lone Wolf, devoid of a pack to call my own, this separate entity, surrounded by humanity yet isolated from it, in seeming perpetuity. I hate it because I have always wanted people to trust. I have always wanted to be ABLE to trust at least a FEW people. Even just one person. I had a relationship when I was very young, many years ago, and like you, it was misguided, it was misplaced and blind. I trusted someone who didn’t deserve my trust, she didn’t deserve my energy or my love, let alone my time. But I am the kind of person, like you, who wants naturally to trust wholly, I want to be able to believe what people tell me, and take them at face value. I did that with her, and I am the kind of person also who only knows one way to love…..and that is all out, all or nothing, full speed ahead.

    Love, to me, is supposed to be a commitment. For life. I have never been interested in “Dating”. I have never been interested in seeing various people. I’ve only ever wanted that one “right girl”. and to spend the rest of my life with her, to share one life, and to grow old together. I do not know how to feel any other way about it, that is how I am wired, and I would not want to feel differently. To me, that is the only thing that feels “right”. But I hitched myself to the wrong star, so to speak. Way wrong. And it eventually revealed itself to be what I always likely knew deep down it would be: a very toxic, bad relationship, full of dishonesty (on her part), full of pain and ultimately ending very, very badly. Enough that you could well say it was traumatizing, to a young man barely just turned 19 by the end.

    I too wanted to trust and believe the things she told me, that she would always be my rock, that I could always rely on her, that I was “safe” and no matter what life brought me, I’d be okay, because she would be there. It was wrong, she was wrong, and deep down I always knew it, and just didn’t want to admit to myself that I knew, because I wanted so badly to believe her, to have found “The One”, and to not be alone anymore. That isn’t how it worked it, and it was never meant to work that way…..because we were two people that absolutely did not belong together, regardless of what she told me, and what I desperately wanted to believe. I have only ever wanted my “Soul Mate”, so to speak, and I had wanted to believe she was it, even though deep down I knew she was not. That relationship shattered me inside at the end, and much like that mirror in the Neverending Story, I saw many things about myself, and about life, that I had never wanted to see. Not for a lack of trying, and not to put too fine a point on it, but that was the one “real” relationship I have thus far had in my life, all these years since. It has been thus, in large part, because I don’t ever want to be wrong like that again. I do not know if I could survive it. And yes, I’m well aware of all of the axioms and anecdotes people like to throw at that sentiment.

    So I suppose what I’m saying is twofold. Firstly, I can relate, even though our life experiences are likely very different. I gave myself to someone fully, in my heart and mind, I gave them all of my time, energy, focus, everything. And all she did was drain all I gave her, giving little in return. And when she was done with me, she moved on, discarding me like worthless trash, which makes it all the more bitter, because she never deserved me, just as whoever hurt you recently obviously did not deserve you either. I like that you say you would have given them the world if you could, because perhaps like me, that is how you are wired….you can only love full throttle…and that is, to my thinking, the ONLY measure of True Love…..that it is all or nothing, that it is Full, and Equal……no half-way about it.

    And secondly, and more importantly, I want to express to you what I somehow still mange to cling to inside to this day, in spite of everything life has thrown at me that should make me feel otherwise. I want to impart to you, that while you are sadly correct….in this paranoid, disconnected, in many ways sick society that we currently live in, it is perhaps wise to think that the only person you can truly rely on is You. BUT…..the caveat I would like to offer, for your consideration, is that while there may be Truth in that, it is not the whole Truth. I would like to believe, that even though the pain of existence has repeatedly tried to convince me otherwise, that somewhere out there, She is out there. I do not know Her name in this life, but I believe I have known Her before, and know the fundamental “color”, the core of who She is. I want to believe, that there IS that ONE person that I could actually trust, fully and completely, to love, trust, embrace, and not fear that they will just hurt me, betray me, abandon me. I want to believe that hopefully it will not always be necessary to think that I can ONLY trust and rely on just myself in life. Because while there is certainly something to be said for inner strength, and self-reliance and independence, and trust me, I have all of those things, otherwise I suppose I would not still be alive. I’ll tell you something: I do not personally hold so much value in those things……they are simply what I have been most of my life, and have HAD to be to even make it this far. But I would far far rather finally have that “One Right Person” in my life, that rock, that pillar…..I would far rather that She be my strength, and I hers…..that we hold each OTHER up….and LIFT each other up, to help each other be the best possible versions of ourselves.

    I am sure you might probably feel differently, but to me, there is nothing more beautiful, and nothing that sounds more “right” than that. I have made it through this life, alone, on my own, a survivor, for what feels like a very long time now. And I suppose that is commendable, that it is admirable or something to respect. But to me, inside, it doesn’t feel like something I am super proud of. I suppose I am, on some level. But really…..it just feels like it is. It just is. What would feel special, to me, what I WOULD be proud of, is finally having that one Other in my life. It would feel far more profound, and meaningful, and fulfilling, to have Her be proud of me. Being proud of myself, to my mind, means little to me, in my perspective. But having that Other, that one other person you can ALWAYS turn to, ALWAYS trust and rely on, that as you say, has your back 100%, 24/7, no matter what? There are no proper words to fully express, I think, how that would actually feel to have finally attained. It is a myth that I have to believe in. But I feel, deep down, at my core, that it would “give me wings”. I am not ashamed nor regretful in acknowledging that I do not think I can be my best, reach my fullest potential, on my own. To my mind, to my way of thinking, while I persist, I keep moving forward, and I continue to do my best, to strive for my dreams, etc…….I also still look to that horizon, I hold that “myth” close to my heart…..because to me, nothing sounds more right, or more glorious…..if I am ever going to truly fly, it won’t be by myself…..but rather, hand in hand. Helping each other fly, lifting each other ever higher.

    It may well sound like overly-idealistic or romantic BS. And perhaps it is. But I do not wish to believe that it is. I do not choose to believe that it is. Because IF it is…then this world is a much darker, colder place, to me, than I already consider it to be. There is a lot to be said for believing in yourself, being strong for yourself, etc. And that is all very important. But I also know that human beings are a pack creature, it is our most fundamental nature. We NEED each other. Which makes it all the more sick that we have built a society that finds every conceivable way to build up walls and keep us apart. Do as you say, and be content in yourself, find value in yourself, and strength in yourself. Rely on yourself, because you can….because you have to. But…..perhaps, if you see fit, if it makes sense……hold onto that same grain of sand that I hold….that Hope, that perhaps you can only rely on yourself at this time……because that “One Right Person” who you truly COULD give everything to, and they would give you everything and BE your everything back in return……you just haven’t found them. The person you were with, was the wrong person. But maybe the RIGHT person, is out there, somewhere, lonely, waiting, and wondering where you are. It’s an nice thought, at the very least…..

    Sorry for the “novel”, but I’m a writer, and so I write. It pours out, it happens. I am a fan of yours, your wrestling career, and will continue to be, especially in Chikara, my favorite promotion. I hope you will always stay true to yourself, and that you will continue to flourish. And that someday, hopefully, maybe both of us will find that “Right One”, that Other, who actually deserves us. Cheers.

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  3. Thank you for this post. A 2+ yr relationship ended for me 3 weeks ago when I was left so she could get back with her ex. Devastated is beyond the word to describe my feelings. Every day I try to get through and move forward until tomorrow. Finding posts like this are so helpful and hopeful. Thank you for sharing. Your words, thoughts, and feelings are incredibly impactful. You are also such a positive role model that I enjoy sharing with my 7 yr old daughter. She loves you and thinks you kick major butt.

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  4. Kim theres a great man coming for you 1 day. I believe where man leaves a thorn God always births a rose. Your rose is coming. You’re a great human being

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